Subject: Self Introduction
Dear Professor Brad,
My name is Ong Yan Xiang, one of your effective communication class student. Currently, I am a year one engineering student pursuing degree in Sustainable Infrastructure Engineering (SIE Building Services). I had graduated from Temasek Polytechnic in 2016 achieving a diploma in Integrated Facility Management with a Fire Safety Manager Certification.
During this three years of studying in polytechnic, I had slowly showed interest in my course and I am curious how buildings operate and due to global warming how could I solved this threatening problems thus decided to join (SIE Building Services) after my National Service. I wish I am able to create a green and energy saving infrastructure that able to protect the Earth without compromising the comfort for human beings.
My hobby is to surf net and do research, this helps me to gain knowledge. With those information, I am able to improve myself by learning through other people mistakes. It is very important to take care of our body thus I go to the gym with my buddy during our free time. I love to do Muay Thai too. Muay Thai has boost my confident level and teaches me how to be humble and have self discipline. I learn Muay Thai as I likes to fight and have the ability to protect my loves one.
I have plenty of weaknesses in communication, I have a lot to learn. Being raise in a mandarin speaking family, I really have a bad time communicating in English. Public speaking in the crowd is one of my fears, I will feel anxious and start stuttering. Having a low self esteem have lead me to zero confident level and hate socializing with other human beings. I am extremely bad in English language and have difficulties comprehending when reading, I will get either F9 or E8 for my English examination.
For my strength, I am only able to communicate well in mandarin. I am able to lend a listening ear but unable to communicate well with other people. I had difficulties delivering message across to the listeners.
My first goal is to able to communicate well confidently in proper English. Second goal is to able to write well with zero mistake in my writing.
Yours Sincerely,
Ong Yan Xiang
Hi Yan Xiang,
ReplyDeleteYour email has the best in terms of content out of the three emails I read. However, you might want to improve your grammar as there are many grammar errors. Speak, write and listen more to improve your English language. Remember, the only obstacle between you and improving is yourself.
Cheers.
Hi Jia Hao,
DeleteThank you for the feedback, really appreciate that!
Cheers.
Hi Yan Xiang,
ReplyDeleteContent wise definitely shows your background, strength and weaknesses. I believe that with more participation in our communication class activities will definitely increase your confidence level. I have difficulties speaking in fluent English language also, we can improve together day by day.
Cheers!
Sam
Dear Yan Xiang,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your sharing in this reflection. It is informative while also being generally clear and concise. You certainly open up about your insecurities regarding English. But take heart: That's exactly what this module is all about, addressing your concerns and weaknesses.
We can do that in terms of sloppy language right from the start. Here are some problem areas for you to consider:
1. verb use issues
-- I had graduated >>> (wrong tense)
-- ...I had slowly showed interest in my course and I am curious how buildings operate and due to global warming .... >>> (tense/sentence structure)
-- that able >>> (wrong form)
-- Muay Thai has boost ... >>> (wrong form) ?
-- as I likes to fight... >>> ?
-- - Being raise in a mandarin speaking family, >>> (wrong form) ?
2. sentence structure
-- I am curious how buildings operate and due to global warming how could I solved this threatening problems thus decided to join (SIE Building Services) after my National Service. >>> ?
-- My hobby is to surf net and do research, this helps me to gain knowledge. >>> (comma splice)
-- It is very important to take care of our body thus I go to the gym with my buddy during our free time. >>> (run on sentence)
-- I have plenty of weaknesses in communication, I have a lot to learn. >>> ?
-- Public speaking in the crowd is one of my fears, I will feel anxious and start stuttering. >>> ?
-- I am extremely bad in English language and have difficulties comprehending when reading, I will get either F9 or E8 for my English examination. >>> (comma splice) ?
Please see https://www.lib.uoguelph.ca/get-assistance/writing/grammar-style/improving-your-sentence-structure
3. phrasing
-- With those information, >>> (plural/singular mix)
-- other people mistakes >>> (possessive)
-- my confident level >>> ?
-- my loves one... >>> ?
-- zero mistake >>> zero mistakes!
Let's work on revising this letter. Take note of the changes you make. Think about the principles (rules) involved. You can improve your language use, but you must have the will to improve. I look forward to helping you.
Cheers,
Brad
Hi Yan Xiang,
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed reading your introduction letter.
The organisation of the letter is good, just that need to improve on sentence structure. I am also being raised in a mandarin speaking family just like you, thus communicating in English language is also my weakness. Hope that we can improve our communication and writing skills through this module together!
Cheers,
Hou Yang